01.01.2022

 Hi, mon journal intimae. It’s a new year! 

We had our yearly family crossover prayers to usher us into the new year. I stayed at home all day, despite receiving a number of calls from secondary school friends I was supposed to visit. I told my old diary that I was going to stay indoors throughout the holidays, and I was going to do just that. 

Not to worry, dear diary. We’re going to have dollops of fun this year!

03.01.2022

Phew! Today has been tiring. I got back to school, safe and unharmed. I should have a thanksgiving, considering the risk of having to travel in Southeast Nigeria on a frigging Monday. Mum tried to make me stay back at home, but I refused. I insisted on traveling today. I had just two weeks until the start of my semester tests, and the idea of studying while on a holiday was a very disagreeable one.  I only managed to steal a glance at one page of my lecture note, which I brought home. I had my way, and got on a bus to Anambra. Orlu became a ghost town today. It was terrifying, and I began to regret traveling. 

I’m now in my room shaa, and now resting after doing some cleaning and washing. Roomie should be back by tomorrow, as he said. I think I should be going to bed now. Sleep well, confidant.

05.01.2022

You wouldn’t believe what I’ve been up to! Sorry I couldn’t make out time to talk to you yesterday. Just calm down and get the full gist. So Roomie got back yesterday afternoon with a very handsome post-Christmas look. Don’t blame me, and puleezz don’t call me an ashewo, but I couldn’t keep my hands to myself. It didn’t help that we spent the Christmas holiday sexting back and forth on WhatsApp. Oya, let me talk true; the second reason I rushed back to school was so we could enliven those fantasies we were yakking about online. 

  Last year, we spent five solid months of being roommates, just cuddling and making out. It never really occurred to us to go further than that. And when I saw him yesterday, looking all masculine and combustible, I let loose the ashewo in me. We shared a long kiss, after which I offered to go with him to the bathroom. I don’t need to tell you, dear diary, that we had our first intercourse in that “hoely” bathroom. As he plunged his unsheathed member into me time and again, I needed nobody to tell me that I’m going to be getting more of it. We were prepared to stay there till forever, but our legs, annoyingly jealous things, had other plans. 

  With our door tightly secure, we’ve been in each other’s arms since then. We talked about a lot of things between last night and today, and we’re officially an item. There wouldn’t be any more “penising” till we both get tested for HIV and STDs. 

That’s about the full gist. I have a lover to attend to, and I hope to God you’re not envious!

06.01.2022

  More students had resumed, which meant less privacy. I remembered quite well that I returned early so I could start studying, but I began to doubt that. I just flipped through two pages of a textbook, and crawled back to bed. Roomie was faring better than I was. I dunno how he’s managed to look into some handouts. The highlight of the day? We had sex. Without a condom. Again. He’s been worried stiff. I’m not. I’ve not done it raw since last August, so I can’t possibly have HIV. He doesn’t look like he has it, either.

  With my head on Roomie’s heavy chest, and our sweaty bodies merged into one, we decided we’ll be using condoms, until we’ve done the tests. That’ll be after our semester tests. I spoke with mum again today. She was still sad that I couldn’t stay much longer at home. What could I say? Momma had a man. She should let me get mine in peace. Lol. 

I have to hurry now. We’re going inside campus to study tonight; that’s the only way I can actually read, in my present state of mind. Tomorrow ehn, just remind me to give you some of the soup, the “ofe oha” I prepared today.

24.01.2022

  Today was crazy! It was a Monday, which meant we got to stay in our room all day. Mehn! This IPOB sit-at-home dey sweet for body. I spent the first few hours of daylight reading for tomorrow’s paper. It was an easy one, so it didn’t take long before I swept through my notes and handouts. Afterwards, Roomie and I got to watch “Single All the Way.” We were idle, but I promised you the devil had no hand in what happened next. 

 We kissed for a few seconds, and my lips found their way to his crotch area. Trousers off. Briefs flung across the room. Gobble, gobble. Breaths quicken. Hearts dumdum-ing as fast as Tobi Amusan would eat up the tracks in a hurdles race. Two pairs of hands moving over two bodies in a frenzy. Then, stop. Roomie looked at me, and I knew what he meant. There was no condom. Our breaths were still running though, and we disengaged so we could catch our breaths.  

Tomorrow, I’ll get down to OSS and get done with the testing. Wish me luck, dear diary.

26.01.2022

 I’m broken. Shattered. I’m so damn positive. 

Yesterday, for the first time ever, positive, to me meant pain, agony, depression, rejection. It meant death! I walked into OSS Awka, as sure of my status as I was of my name. When the Laboratory Scientist pricked my finger, I was calm and pleased. He asked a few questions, trying to get my mind off the process, and counseling me as well. I answered willingly. I’ve learned a lot about HIV, so I’m not naïve. But then, he began saying funny things, telling me how getting diagnosed with HIV did not translate to a death sentence. He spoke for about three minutes, but I wasn’t listening. A part of my brain kept prodding, urging me to listen to him. I didn’t want to be prodded. Didn’t want to be told anything. When I heard him say, “I know you don’t believe what you’re hearing,” I found myself shaking my head and smiling.

  Throughout the entire counseling session and even when I was picking up my first bottle of ARV tablets, it seemed unreal. It was a super scary nightmare, but I was going to wake up still probably screaming my lungs out. Everyone in the clinic that got to know was shocked at my composure, the doctor, the nurse, and the pharmacist. After setting up a daily 6am alarm on my phone, I left the clinic and got on a bus back to my room. Roomie was not back from school; he had an afternoon paper to write.

  I put my bag down and broke down fully. My tears flowed freely and I didn’t try to stop them. The force of my sobs shook me more than any orgasm ever will. If wishes were horses, I’d wish to wake from this nightmare and ride my wish to the stars. When I got rid of all the sorrow in my heart through my tears, I wiped my eyes and blew into my hankie. Then I sat down to process my new reality.  I did a mental contact tracing and identified the most probable source of my infection. 

  By the time Roomie got back, I’d gotten calm enough to keep a nothing dey happen face. That didn’t last long though, because I resumed sobbing when he asked me how my day went. No, I wasn’t sobbing because of my misery. I’d exposed him to the virus, and God knew I couldn’t live with the knowledge that I infected someone dear to me. When he asked why I was sobbing, I could only mutter a barely audible “You’ve to get PEP tomorrow.” He sank to the floor, dumb-struck. Almost immediately, he got back up and grabbed my shoulders, and shook me. “Why? How? Who said?” 

  I was blessed to have him. He helped me stay sane last night, and had tried to make me feel better. I was momentarily relieved. He tested negative today, and even though he couldn’t get the Post-Exposure Prophylaxis because he’d been exposed much more than 2 days before testing. I had a ray of hope that he’d stay negative. 

27.01.2022

  Roomie helped wake me up to get my tablet when my alarm couldn’t wake me. I slept in his arms, by the way. Today, he assured me that I could still become all I had ever wanted to be, and get the best life possible. Later this evening, his determination to help me stay strong went crashing, and he wept, in my presence. We shared a good moment ridding ourselves of tears. 

Good night, dear diary.

04.02.2022

  Hi. It’s been…six days? Yeah. A quiet six days spent in my room and with my phone. I had been browsing and asking a lot of questions regarding my new reality  and how it affected my life and future. It always seemed fairytale-like, hearing about persons living with HIV. But I’m now a PLWHIV, so shit’s now very much real. I had visited numerous websites. Had to reread the short story Bar Boy from Enitayanfe Ayosojumi Akinsanya’s anthology; How to Catch A Story That Doesn’t Exist. Lectures had since resumed, but I was unable to attend any. 

Onye adirọ ndụ adịghị agụ akwụkwọ! A dead person cannot study.

08.02.2022

  I stepped out of the lab today after a practical session, and saw people from some NGO camped in a corner, and running HIV tests. Dubem–whom I was walking with– suddenly suggested we get tested. What? No! I got tested last week, thank you. I hurried quickly to my lecture room, even when he called out to suggest we got condoms at least, I didn’t bulge. I cannot come and have one of the student volunteers find out my status and inject new gist into the faculty’s very active grapevine, on top of the few whispers here and there about the “many gaybriellas in this faculty,” as someone put it.

12.02.2022

  My faculty’s student association would be organizing a medical outreach tomorrow, and I turned up for training today. After all the lousy talk, we were left to try out the test kits and materials on each other, and HIV test strips were available, again. I decided to stay far away from them. Instead, I focused on using the sphig and steth. I was minding my own business oh, when some guy walked up to me and requested that we took turns testing each other for HIV. The fuck, guy! I knew it was time to go home. I was glad I got diagnosed before all the temptations I’ve faced this week. My story for cast!

14.02.2022

  Last night, Roomie told me he was scared. He was experiencing some symptoms of infection which he saw on a website; sweaty nights, joint aches. I tried to ‘god-forbid’ his fears away, but after he went to sleep, I cried silently on my knees, begging Jesus to save my boyfriend-roommate. Like always, I found peace after praying, and I slept soundly. I earnestly hope he tests negative again by April.

16.02.2022

  Today, Roomie and I made some decisions. We’ve not had intercourse since my diagnosis, and it was to remain so, for now. If he remained negative, we had to break up and that’d also mean an end to our being roommates. I made the suggestion, and he accepted it sadly. For the foreseeable future, I couldn’t date anyone; thoughts of exposing someone else to the virus made me cringe. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend, but I’d rather lose him than have him test positive.

21.02.2022

  Checked my results for last semester. I cleared all the courses, but my grades dropped, a little. It was very expected, though.  I should say “all to fight for this semester,” but my school had joined the strike, which may not be ending soon. 

23.02.2022

  I visited OSS again today. My next supply of ARVs should come in two months, but the strike would very likely be active beyond April. I only got an extra bottle though, enough to last another 3 months. I’d have to get my viral load counted by July. I packed my bags today for my return to Owerri.

24.02.2022

  Traveling and stress, two very synonymous words! I didn’t need to explain how tired and miserable I felt after a few hours on the road. The only consolation was that I got to see my family again, and the joy on my mother’s face was gold. I had yam pepper soup for dinner, and I was so not sparing you a bit. Lol, good night.

07.04.2022

  Today, I faced indirect stigmatization and homophobia from the most important person in my life. A pastor in a nearby community was accused of having sexual engagements with teenage boys in his church. When mum told me how “a homo pastor was accused of initiating young boys into their cult,” my mouth hung incredulously open. When she added that “that’s how they give innocent people HIV and AIDS,” I choked on my saliva. I had to walk away with the excuse of going to drink water. 

  No, I didn’t cry myself dry today, nor was I going to hate my mother. I was only hurt because I couldn’t share my biggest secrets with my closest confidante and best friend. I had promised myself that I would come out to mum last Christmas, but my guts failed me at the last moment. Now, I couldn’t possibly tell her that her favorite child was gay and living with HIV, not in the nearest future at least. I was really disappointed, and my guts couldn’t accept any food today.

08.05.2022

  For the first time since my being diagnosed, I had sex today. Well, would have. I had to travel to Umuahia to meet a man I met on Grindr last year. I was in deep regret though. I explained to him in clear terms that I was broke. I’d been employed for barely 5 days now, and I couldn’t ask my mum to sponsor my trip to collect dick. Oga agreed to pay my return fare when I got to Umuahia, and that was settled. Long story cut short, my host did not want to use condoms. He instead offered me HIV test strips, and it was hilarious. He added that he was taking PrEP to protect him from getting infected. For real? What happened to all the other numerous STDs? You think say Hepatitis send you and your PrEP?  Abeg, getat! I cannot have sex without a condom because I’m living with HIV. He was wide-eyed. “But you don’t look like you have HIV.” A person living with HIV does not look any different from other people, Oga. I have the virus, not AIDS. So sheath that dick and give it to me, or produce my return fare.

  Oga told me that he could not touch me, and consequently, didn’t have a kobo to give me. “You’ve gotten HIV because you couldn’t keep your legs at home.” Wow! Just wow! My mischievous personality was deeply pained. I would have given my right arm to be able to infect him on  the spot. I only slung my bag across my shoulder, flipped my imaginary wig in his face and walked out of the building and into the street. I found a POS kiosk and withdrew the last mobile thousand naira in my account. I arrived home just after 3pm and went straight to sleep. I’m yet to wrap my head around what happened today. I refused to feel sorry for myself anymore.

12.05.2022

  Today, while I spoke with my mum about her health issues: hypertension and ulcer, and how they make people live a medication-dependent life, I decided to bring up ARV therapy. “You know, mum, people usually consider HIV to be the deadliest out there. But people who have HIV use medication  and diets to manage their health these days. The same way you take your anti-hypertensives and ulcer medications each day. And then people who don’t have HIV die from other causes, even before AIDS kills other people.” She agreed this time, even adding that “life is just a fleeting phase, and one can ever be sure of the next minute. So, every organism struggles to survive until death comes knocking.”

  Just few hours ago, I saw a TikTok video with the caption: “Me as a doctor telling the patients in the HIV Ward to stay positive.” Well, that was just pun at play, but I appreciated those words. The truth was that only a miracle can make someone’s HIV status change to negative. Yet, I had to stay positive about my life and future.

21.06.2022

  OMG! Beyoncé gave us a new hit, Break My Soul. I was really “vibing” to the beat and lyrics. I could relate to this song in three capacities: a gay, Nigerian living with HIV. I had reached the point in my journey with this virus which I had to live with, where I couldn’t let my soul and spirit be broken. Roomie tested negative again recently, and I had strong convictions that I already had an undetectable viral load. After all, a lot of people got undetectable after six months of strict adherence to ARV therapy. I got diagnosed barely 6 months after my last test, so I shouldn’t have a problem reclaiming my immune system from the virus.

  I could dare to breathe properly, to love and expect to be loved, to live life as normally as possible. I even hoped I wouldn’t die before middle age from some cancer, paralysis, hypertension or a painful accident, even malaria! I had some positives to draw from my positive situation. Lol! First, I wake up at 6am every morning, with or without an alarm, very unlike my old HIV-negative self. I also took a glass of water each morning, something I wouldn’t do before now, but which was very essential for kidney health. So, you see, I’m all-round positive. 

Good night, dear diary, and stay positive too.