song playing : idontwannabeyouanymore — billie eilish. 

                     how much does your grief weigh? 
          19kg in bloody tears. croaky whispers. & long sighs. 

there are times when all i wish for— is to be able to breathe easy for a minute & half / there are times when all i want— is to let myself fall apart— without having to pick up the many shards of 

my broken "selves" / 
                                                                  / i want to unfurl like a flower— & not explode like a bomb. 

there is a shadow on the ground that holds more substance than my body / i sit in my room. alone in my loneliness— as i speak to ears i do not see / there are voices in my head— voices 

that are as familiar as mine. voices that belong to best friends that just won't shut up / i ache in places i cannot touch— like the point where my memories meet all the parts of me that remains 

untouched by love / it hurts. you see— because how do i explain that my mind feels like a drunk driver & all i can do is to sit in the back seat— holding on for dear life— as i scream & plead with 

my own mind to be gentle with me / 
                                                                    / — with pretty clouds above the memories i relive nightly 

it's okay to want to be held— when your face twists into a grimace while you sleep [ evidence of the kind of pain that leaks into dreams ] / it hurts because i cannot choose the word i exist as / 

it's okay. it's okay. it's okay. i'm not okay / i step out of my room & i feel like a tadpole thrown into the epicentre of a violent storm / life is too much— all the time / even at its simplest— breathing easy is harder than holding onto the tail of an adult catfish / i feel like i am too much madness— locked inside a body that i somehow still call mine / 
                                                                                                                           / have you seen my body ?  

i look through grief-colored glasses at the cigarette stubs scattered around my room— as unavoidable as the ignorance that saturates the air— everytime a human walks into the room 

with words they imagine will make me feel better. somehow / "keep trying" . they say— with enough fervour for sky daddy to turn his head in awe / i close my eyes from time to time— to 

build a house in my mind & name it "sanity" / i build houses like that because the alternative is to sit in a corner of my consciousness — my head between my legs— muttering words that are 

devoid of sense— crying & pulling my hair out until there's nothing left / 
                                                                                                                               / my mind — it hurts me.