Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah’s The Sex Lives of African Women is described by Publishers Weekly in their starred review as “an astonishing report on the quest for sexual liberation.” It was also listed by The Economist as a best book of the year. She is co-founder of Adventures from the Bedrooms of African Women, a website, podcast and festival that publishes and creates content that tells stories of African women’s experiences around sex, sexualities, and pleasure.
Nana is also a communications strategist who has over fifteen years’ experience of developing and delivering strategic communications programs across media, public sector and non-governmental organizations. She has a deep understanding of digital technologies for feminist activism, and is widely recognized as a key African feminist working at the intersections of gender, sexualities and technologies. The impact of Nana Darkoa’s work has been documented by CNN in a film titled, Not Yet Satisfied.
She holds a BSc (Hons) in Communications and Cultural Studies from the University of North London (now London Metropolitan University), and a MSc in Gender and Development from the London School of Economics and Political Science. She is also a trained performance coach, and leadership trainer. Nana lives in Accra, Ghana with her daughter Asantewaa, and her dog Romeo.
Unoma: You have had a huge success with the award-winning blog Adventures from the Bedrooms of African Women, but I am curious about what moved you to write The Sex Lives of African Women?
Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah: Sometime in 2014, it dawned on me that there wasn’t a book that focused on the sexual experiences of African women. There was existing literature – research as well as fiction and non-fiction – about the sexual desires, experiences and fantasies of predominantly white women, but nothing that told our stories from our perspectives. I also knew from Adventures that a wealth of such stories existed. That is when I decided to interview as many African women as possible about their experiences of sex and sexuality.
Unoma: Your book shows that African women subvert traditional images in places they are not considered to have agency or in spaces where they are challenging gender roles especially in their bedrooms or in their marriages/relationships. Was this deliberate?
Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah: Yes and no 🙂 Personally, I’m definitely interested in people who colour outside the lines, who are non-conformist and so, of course, whenever I met an African woman who seemed interesting in some way shape or form I would say, “I am writing a book about the sex lives of African women. Can I interview you?” Usually they would say, “yes,” and in the subsequent conversation, my sense of them would be confirmed. At the same time, there are soooo many women I interviewed that I knew absolutely nothing about. They responded to my call seeking women to interview, or a friend told them about my book project. My conclusion is that many women are subverting traditional images in small and sometimes big ways, and one can realise that by taking the time to have a conversation with them.
Unoma: When I think of Nura in your book, I think, “Fuck and pray.” One might almost think of it in the context of–now you have sinned, pray for forgiveness. This is also evident in the way Waris sees sex. Why do you think a lot of people find it difficult to marry sensuality and spirituality?
Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah: Interesting because I see their stories differently. With Nura in particular, she described sex and spirituality as being too sides of the same coin. Inextricably woven together, and that feels to me like a very healthy expression of sex from a person of faith.
I do think it’s hard for people to marry sensuality and spirituality because many of us are not brought up to be spiritual – to tap into an innate essence or a universal power that connects all beings. Rather, we are taught to be religious and brought up in dogmatic ways that associate sex and sensuality with sin.
Unoma: What would you say is the feminist African woman’s take on polygamy?
Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah: Hahaha. I couldn’t possibly say. But, my personal take is that polygamy is a relationship structure much in the same way monogamy, or polyamory is. I wouldn’t necessarily reify one above the other, or jump to the conclusion that women in polygamous marriages are subservient or ‘down trodden.’
Unoma: With women like Naisha and Fatou in mind, what would you say to those who find polyamorous relationships problematic?
Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah: I would say absolutely nothing to them. I think people need to figure out individually what works for them.
Unoma: Class, religion and culture are some of the issues I find confining in your book, yet there are layers of boundaries shifted or broken. Can you throw more light on this?
Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah: I remember that when I was in University (a long time ago), someone defined culture simply as ‘a way of life.’ I found that super helpful because often culture is spoken of as something that’s fixed – and I find it super helpful to think of culture as something that we create, that is dynamic, and that can change. I think many of the women I interviewed exemplify this and are contributing to creating a more open, progressive culture when it comes to sex and sexuality.
Unoma: There is this re-occurring intergenerational tension I see in your book. Is there hope for better relationships and more understanding especially between African parents and their non-conforming/queer children?
Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah: Yes, there’s absolutely hope. Many young queer people have told me that they gifted my book to their mum for instance – and I think it’s because they feel reading it will help their parents understand them more. I also have a lot of hope in young queer and non -conforming people – that they will parent very differently to how they were parented.
Unoma: What are your thoughts on the idea that a woman has been “dickmatized” when she has sex? It sounds like being branded or marked for “death.”
Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah: Hahaha. In my book I described being ‘dickmatised’ by an ex who was never meant to be someone I had a relationship with. I think a lot of women who like dicks may know that feeling. When you have sex with a man and the D is so good that you’re like ‘damn, now I need to come back for more and I had thought this was going to be a onetime thing.’ You’re definitely not branded or marked for death, but you may make some bad decisions just cos the D is good. I think it’s okay to allow yourself to make bad decisions from time to time. Afterall, body no be firewood, abi?
Unoma: Yes indeed. Body no be fire wood o! Lol! Structurally and stylistically, you reveal so much of yourself and brilliantly connect as well as intertwine aspects of your experiences with those of other African women. Did this technique come easy, or did you mull over it for a while before you decided?
Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah: So I believe you read the US edition of my book, and for that I have my US editor Alessandra Bastagli to thank, as well as my brilliant UK publisher Sharmaine Lovegrove. Sharmaine suggested that I write essays introducing each of the subsections of my book – and I know many of the insights I shared in those essays resonated with folks because people keep tagging me when they screenshot those pages. When my book was subsequently sold to my US publisher, Alessandra wanted me to share even more of my own story which resulted in what I think of as ‘love notes’ ahead of each woman’s story. I initially thought it would be hard to weave more of myself into the book, but it actually came easily. I think that was because there was something I connected with, admired or resonated with each woman I spoke to.
Unoma: Some people may say as Gabriela does, “Sex is overrated.” Why should anyone care about the sex lives of African women?
Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah: Everyone should care about the sex lives of African women because pleasure is political, and we deserve to feel joy and autonomy in our bodies.
Unoma Azuah is a professor of English at Wiregrass Georgia Tech. Valdosta, GA, USA. Her research and activism focus on Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) rights. Recently, she concluded a book project on the lives of gay Nigerians entitled, Blessed Body: Secret Lives of LGBT Nigerians, and the prestigious Ms. Magazine describes her just released memoir, “Embracing My Shadow: growing up a lesbian in Nigeria,” as powerful. Some of her writing awards include the Aidoo-Synder book award, Spectrum book award, Flora Nwapa/Association of Nigerian (ANA)Writers award and the Hellman/Hammet award.
